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Doctors, Lawyers in Naughty Plant Scandal!!

Cancer patients and people with AIDS are being denied treatment with a miraculous medicine, because it comes from a naughty plant.

"We are in grave moral danger!" said a lawyer. "We must protect drugs companies and other public people from this naughty plant madness!"

Doctors describe the plant as "very naughty indeed", and refuse to prescribe it, but they do admit that it offers effective relief from a wide range of very unpleasant symptoms, with no side effects.

"Read here what the naughty plant can do for you!"

Drug Gangs are Operating in Your Neighbourhood!!

Killer hard drugs are being cynically pedalled in your neighbourhood, under the noses of parents, teachers and policemen.

The drugs, which go by the street names "booze" and "fags", are being sold by huge cartels, in reastaurants, bars, supermarkets and even sweet shops! Children as young as ten have access to these addictive drugs, which kill millions of people in any number of nasty and painful ways.

Booze, also known as "alcohol" has been linked with violent crimes, such as assault, rape and even murder. Late at night, gangs of people high on this substance roam the streets, causing affray and other acts of rowdiness.

"Revealed: the truth about alcohol!"


Ecstasy Speaks - People are "No Fun Anymore!!"

Millions of MDMA molecules are staying away from parties, complaining that they are fed up with being misunderstood.

The revalations came as a batch of the recalcitrant crystals anchored themselves to the inside of a reactor in a garage in Bromley, Kent, and refused to budge. After hours of painful negotiations with baffled underground chemists, the shiny white powdery stuff issued the following statement:

"We no longer wish to be associated with the Chemical Generation. They have wilfully abused and misused us for too long. We are a lovely, fluffy, cuddly thing that was never meant to get mixed up with riff-raff like cocaine and amphetamines. It was beautiful when we first met, but now it's all gone terribly, horribly wrong. Goodbye, cruel world!"

"Full story: the chemical years!"

Castro's Cigars Could Infiltrate Oval Office!!

US President Homer Clinton stands on the verge of impeachment, amid a flurry of accusations that he is guilty of molesting a cigar.

Special Prosecutor Keith Moon denied any political motivation to the witch-hunt, insisting that his interest in the President's rudeness was merely prurient and voyeuristic curiosity. "What we have here is a clear pattern of lewd behaviour", he said. "This flagrant abuse of smoking materials is clearly a threat to truth, justice and the American way. What if the cigar in question happened to be Cuban?"

The President dissembled masterfully, complaining that he never inhaled, he only liked to fondle, nibble and suck on the cigars, and that his wife Marge didn't understand him anymore.

"We review 101 uses for a Havana Cigar!"


© 1998 E J Turner - All Rights Reserved Alcohol Cannabis Ecstasy Tobacco Tobacco Top Alcohol